Out of sorts.

Does anyone know where I can get some?
Sorts, that is.
I seem to have run out . . .

The past two weeks have had a seesaw quality. I have had some great days filled with clarity and enthusiasm and energy. And it has also been filled with sadness, grief, bad dreams and frustration.

Of course, I am doing my work with correcting negative thought trends, prayers, exercise, etc. I certainly know the drill. And as with all things in an ebb and flow, it comes and goes. I am so clear about the transitional phase in which we are all immersed, I find comfort that my mercurial moods are a part of the bigger picture trying to right itself on the cosmic wall of Life.

Grief and gratitude.

Those two qualities are the ones that all this shtuff seems to fall into. The more I learn about grief and walk through it (for myself or with others) the more in awe I am of it's power, influence and magnitude in how it affects our lives. When I think of how it shows up for individuals when there has been a direct hit, so to speak, with a large or difficult loss, it is big. And yet we each have to function and merge and mingle with regular folk who may not have a clue about the malestrom spinning within. Since we did away with the old custom of wearing black or a black armband, people have no way of knowing if one is dealing with death or grief in their lives, and therefore, don't have an awareness or sensitivity to the emotional vagaries one may be dealing with.

Then it makes me wonder about all the little griefs (Petite mal) that we might be carrying around that even we ourselves are unaware. The idea that we might be interacting with someone whose heart is on their invisible sleeve, softens me to how I want to interface with everyone I meet. It reminds me of the parable about the monk who taught a mighty lesson by reminding the other monk novitiates that Jesus the Christ was among them but not identifying himself. Motivated by the idea of serving the Christ and wanting to be at their best, the novitiates began treating one another with renewed compassion and respect. Of course, the lesson was that there was not THE Christ showing up, but instead, the realization that we are each Christed in our nature and worthy of that extra care.

Karen Bishop wrote in her book, The Ascension Companion: LOSS "Weeping and sadness usually occur when we are losing darker and denser aspects of ourselves. After all, we have lived with these traits for a very long while, and even though it isn't in our best interests to keep them, it is still sad to feel them darpart." She wisely goes on to state, " sadness usually occurs when much is about to depart at a global level, in regard to the mass consciousness. When we are feeling this overwhelming sadness, most everyone is as well. We are all in this together."

As we mature and physically get older, we are in a unique position to review our life and where we have meet our goals and accomplishments, as well as where we have not. And even though logically, we are not consciously sad that we didn't become the ballerina or the astronaut we thought we would be in adulthood, there is often a segment of our being that feels despair that we didn't meet that all important goal. It doesn't matter that we are much happier being the accountant or web designer that we are in life today, the little kid inside us might still be carrying around a bit of disappointment to even downright failure. There is a grief process when we come to a new year and review our goals--past and present--and are willing to release outdated or ill-fitting goals. We often need just as much *compatience from ourselves and others as move into the present moment and claim our good now.

It hasn't helped that the street maintenance trucks outside my window are making such heinous noise that I can barely stand it; in particular, because it feels as if it reflects the noise going on inside my head. RARHRHRHRHGH! (that is the sound I make when in my pterodactyl mood).

And back to what I know is good and right and true. That is where the gratitude come in. And I am clear I cannot allow myself to lapse into too much whining or negativity because I understand the law of cause and effect. I only want to be cause unto something for which I am willing to be or experience the effect.

"There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it. I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. [...]

In that spirit, I hope you will write this on your wall: When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for."
--Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Guess I am off on a sortie...of sorts.


*compatience: (noun) the quality of being that combines compassion and patience as defined by Rev. Duchess Dale

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