I Wonder As I Sqaunder...

Perhaps 'squander' is too harsh a word here but it better fits the holiday song I am singing this week. I hum this melancholy tune because my holiday week off from work is coming to a close and I realize that the majority of the time I have spent so far has been on domestic chores and projects. Not that those chores or projects aren't viable and in need of attention, however, that was not the thrust behind this special week of time off to contemplate and envision the new year.

Logic dictates that if the place from which I do that contemplation and planning is uncluttered and clean, that my reading, meditating, visioning, etc. would be enriched and freer. Well, yeah, maybe.  Yes, the tasks need doing but they always need doing.  The ongoing maintenance of life is just that--ongoing. But this extra time off is supposed to be for grander things and to allow for unencumbered time to read and write and ponder.

I pondered all right. I would write a blog and spend way too much time trying to edit it and find a new template. I pondered how dirty and dusty the tangible world can get especially if you don't wear your glasses to see to clean. I even took a hot epsom salts bath to soak, read and ponder the grandiosity of life. And all I pondered was how round and pink I am.

"Mining the moment for something that feels good, something to appreciate, something to savor, something to take in, that's what your moments are about. They're not about justifying your existence. It's justified. You exist. It's not about proving your worthiness. It's done. You're worthy. It's not about achieving success. You never get it done. It's about "How much can this moment deliver to me?" And some of you like them fast, some of you like them slow. No one's taking score. You get to choose. The only measurement is between my desire and my allowing. And your emotions tell you everything about that."  --- Abraham

Those of us with any variation of AADD or OCD, etc. have a hard time doing one task without it leading to a full-blown project.  I think I am only going to the sink to rinse out my coffee cup and wipe the counter until I see how dirty the top of the stove is; and how many crumbs have settled under the toaster; and how worn the sponge has become so let's give everything a good once-over before throwing the sponge away.  You get the picture. An hour has passed, the kitchen is clean (except the cupboards because that would have required me to get the stepstool and I didn't want to get distracted) and the focus or direction I had for my writing is now a distant memory.


It feels as if I have squandered or frittered away this precious time. Yes, I have done some creative things and yes, I have enjoyed my free-time.  But I had different ideas for the use of that 'free' time. Why is it that my variation of OCD doesn't seem to apply to the creative stuff as effortlessly as it does to the mundane minutiae?

Excuse me, I have to go do nothing for awhile.

" I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare." Rod Schmidt


joy said…
oh,oh, I think those behaviors are for aging -- we are all doing the same thing. getting side tracked and wondering where the time went.
If you find a cure, share it.
meanwhile - know you are loved. joy
I believe you did just what you were supposed to do with the time you had my dear. Love you.

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